Tag: writing

Dispatches from the Splinters of My Mind — Entry 39

The first thing I remembered was the smell of oranges.

Not the oranges themselves, although I could picture them well enough, piled in a chipped ceramic bowl beside a kitchen window overlooking a garden that had surrendered to winter. It was the smell of their peels, sharp and sweet, mingling with the faint bitterness of coffee and the peculiar warmth of a house that had been occupied by the same people for decades. Somewhere beyond the kitchen, a child was laughing. A floorboard complained beneath approaching footsteps. Someone called my name with the comfortable impatience of a person who had been calling it for years.

I opened my eyes.

There was no kitchen. No garden. No child.

Only the pale November light filtering through the blinds of my apartment, illuminating dust suspended above the dresser. The radiator hissed beneath the window, and somewhere in the building’s ancient plumbing, water hammered against a pipe with the persistence of an unwelcome visitor.

I lay there for several minutes, waiting for the memory to dissolve into the harmless nonsense of dreams.

It didn’t.

I could still smell the oranges.

By the time I reached the bathroom, I was crying.

The peculiar thing about grief is that it doesn’t always bother introducing itself. Sometimes it arrives already unpacked, takes possession of the furniture, and begins rearranging your life before you’ve had the opportunity to ask whom you’re supposed to be mourning.

I stood before the mirror, studying a face I had known for thirty-eight years. The small scar beneath my left eyebrow remained where a bicycle accident had placed it when I was eleven. The faint lines beside my mouth had deepened during the past winter. My hair, once stubbornly black, had begun surrendering individual strands to silver.

Everything was familiar.

Except the woman looking back at me seemed terribly young.

Not in appearance, but in some deeper, less negotiable sense. I felt as though I had already lived long enough to become someone else, and the face in the mirror belonged to a person I had abandoned decades earlier.

I pressed my fingers against the glass.

For one impossible instant, I remembered those fingers being smaller, darker with age, the knuckles swollen from arthritis. I remembered struggling to fasten a necklace behind my neck while someone waited downstairs. I remembered the peculiar embarrassment of needing assistance with things that had once required no thought at all.

Then the memory vanished, leaving behind an ache in my hands.

I turned on the faucet and held them beneath the cold water until the sensation passed.

The clocks began misbehaving on Thursday.

At first, I blamed the batteries. The kitchen clock stopped at 6:17, while the small brass carriage clock on my bookshelf insisted it was twenty minutes past eleven. My telephone displayed the correct time, or what I assumed was the correct time, although I had begun entertaining uncomfortable suspicions about the reliability of such things.

I replaced the kitchen clock’s battery.

Its second hand moved backward.

Not continuously. Just three small movements, like an insect reconsidering its direction, before resuming its ordinary progression.

I watched it for nearly an hour.

There are certain experiences that become considerably more disturbing when witnessed without interruption. A shadow moving across a wall can be dismissed as imagination. A whispered voice can be attributed to a neighbor. But when something impossible happens in front of you, and you remain long enough to watch it happen again, the mind begins searching for explanations that are frequently more frightening than the event itself.

At 7:42, I remembered my daughter’s seventh birthday.

Her name was Amelia.

She had worn a yellow dress with crooked white buttons and insisted upon chocolate cake despite being allergic to something in the frosting. I remembered arguing with her father about whether we should allow it. I remembered his laughter, the way he lifted her onto the kitchen counter, and the little crescent-shaped birthmark behind her right ear.

I remembered loving her with an intensity that made every other emotion seem like an unfinished rehearsal.

I had never been pregnant.

I had never married.

And I had certainly never known anyone named Amelia.

Nevertheless, I spent the remainder of Thursday searching through old photographs, examining the faces of children in the backgrounds, wondering whether I might recognize a daughter who had never existed.

By evening, I had developed a headache that seemed to originate somewhere behind my eyes. I could hear a clock ticking, although I had removed the batteries from every clock in the apartment.

At midnight, I whispered Amelia’s name into the darkness.

From somewhere beyond my bedroom door, a child whispered, “I’m here.”

I didn’t open it.

Friday brought the husband.

His name was Daniel, although I remembered calling him Danny when we were young and Daniel when I was angry. He had a narrow face, beautiful hands, and an irritating habit of leaving half-finished cups of tea throughout the house. He was a carpenter who could build almost anything except a convincing apology.

I remembered meeting him at a railway station during a thunderstorm.

I remembered the weight of his coat across my shoulders, the smell of wet wool, and the sound of his voice asking whether I believed in accidents.

I remembered answering that I believed in poor planning.

He laughed.

That laugh stayed with me throughout the morning, appearing unexpectedly between ordinary thoughts. I heard it while brushing my teeth, while waiting for the kettle, while standing in the grocery store trying to remember why I had gone there.

By afternoon, I remembered burying him.

The cemetery was small, bordered by iron fencing and a row of ancient sycamores. Rain had softened the earth around the grave, and the minister’s voice seemed to come from a considerable distance. Amelia stood beside me, no longer seven but a woman with tired eyes and her father’s stubborn mouth.

She held my hand.

I remembered the terrible absence of Daniel’s fingers.

And then I found myself standing in the grocery store, clutching a carton of milk so tightly that its cardboard sides had begun to buckle.

A young employee asked whether I needed assistance.

I told him my husband had died.

He apologized with the awkward sincerity of someone who had not yet learned that apologies are useless against death.

I almost thanked him.

Instead, I abandoned the milk and went home.

By Saturday, the memories had begun arriving without permission.

They came while I slept and while I was awake, interrupting conversations, invading familiar rooms, settling over ordinary objects until I could no longer distinguish between what I had experienced and what I merely remembered experiencing.

I recalled a summer spent beside the sea, although I had never lived near an ocean. I remembered a red bicycle, a dog named Bishop, a house fire that destroyed everything except a grandfather clock, and an argument with my sister that lasted eleven years.

I had no sister.

Yet I remembered the reconciliation.

We sat together beneath a hospital window, both of us too old and too exhausted to defend the grievances we had carried for so long. She smelled of lavender and cigarettes. I remembered forgiving her without ever deciding to do so.

When that memory passed, I found myself seated on the kitchen floor, holding a telephone against my ear.

I had dialed a number.

Someone was answering.

“Hello?”

The voice was elderly, thin with sleep.

I knew it.

Not because I had heard it before, but because something inside me recognized the particular rhythm of its breathing.

“Who is this?” I asked.

There was a long silence.

Then the woman said, “You shouldn’t remember me yet.”

The connection ended.

I remained on the floor until the room grew dark.

Sunday morning, I discovered the photograph.

It had been slipped beneath my apartment door sometime during the night. There was no envelope, no note, no explanation. Just a small black-and-white photograph with curled corners and a crease running diagonally through its center.

Three people stood before a modest house.

A man in shirtsleeves leaned against the porch railing. Beside him stood a little girl wearing a yellow dress. The third figure was a woman whose hair had been gathered into an untidy knot.

I recognized Daniel immediately.

Amelia was smiling.

And the woman was me.

Not someone who resembled me. Not a distant relative whose features had survived through generations. Me, unmistakably, although the woman in the photograph appeared to be at least sixty years old.

Her face was weathered, her posture slightly stooped, and one hand rested against the child’s shoulder.

The other hand was missing.

Not hidden behind her back or obscured by the angle.

Missing.

In its place was an elaborate mechanical construction of silver joints, brass fittings, and delicate interlocking gears. The fingers were slender and beautifully made, their surfaces engraved with patterns too intricate to distinguish without magnification.

I stared at that hand for a long time.

Then I looked at the date written on the back.

October 17, 1946.

Forty-two years before I was born.

Beneath the date, someone had written three words.

Before she remembers.

I turned the photograph over again.

The woman’s eyes were closed.

Her mechanical hand rested against her cheek.

And although the photograph was nearly eighty years old, I could see a small scar beneath her left eyebrow.

That evening, I began hearing the machinery.

It started as a faint clicking behind my right ear, barely distinguishable from the radiator’s familiar complaints. By midnight, the sound had developed a rhythm. Tiny metallic movements, measured and precise, accompanied by the occasional soft scrape of something turning against resistance.

I pressed my palm against the side of my head.

The clicking stopped.

When I removed my hand, it resumed.

I considered calling a doctor. I considered calling the police. I even considered calling the elderly woman whose number remained in my telephone’s recent history.

Instead, I sat before the bathroom mirror.

The woman looking back at me seemed exhausted. Her eyes were swollen, her lips dry, and the silver strands in her hair had multiplied considerably since Thursday.

I raised my right hand.

She raised hers.

I touched my cheek.

She did the same.

Then, very slowly, I closed my eyes.

I remembered a room filled with clocks.

Hundreds of them, perhaps thousands, suspended from walls that disappeared into darkness. Some were enormous, their hands moving with the solemn determination of astronomical instruments. Others were small enough to fit inside a child’s palm.

At the center of the room stood a chair.

Someone was sitting in it.

I couldn’t see her face, but I recognized the silver hair, the elaborate blue garment, and the delicate mechanical hand resting against her cheek.

She was crying.

Not loudly. There were no sobs, no trembling shoulders, no theatrical surrender to grief.

Just tears moving silently across a face that had grown accustomed to carrying things no one else could see.

I approached her.

The clocks began stopping.

One after another, their ticking surrendered to a silence so complete that I could hear the blood moving through my own body.

When I reached the chair, the woman opened her eyes.

They were mine.

But older.

Much older.

“Where is Amelia?” I asked.

She looked at me with an expression I couldn’t understand.

Pity, perhaps.

Or recognition.

“Which one?” she whispered.

I woke on the bathroom floor.

Morning light had begun filtering through the blinds. My cheek was pressed against the cold tile, and my right arm had gone numb beneath me.

For several minutes, I remained motionless, listening.

The machinery had stopped.

The clocks were silent.

Even the radiator seemed reluctant to disturb the morning.

I pushed myself upright and looked toward the mirror.

My reflection was waiting.

She was seated on the edge of the bathtub, wearing an elaborate blue garment I had never owned. Her silver hair had been gathered loosely above her head, and her right hand was a delicate arrangement of tarnished metal and intricate gears.

She appeared tired.

Terribly tired.

I touched my cheek.

She didn’t move.

Instead, she lowered her mechanical hand and looked toward the bathroom door.

From the hallway came the sound of small footsteps.

Then a child’s voice.

“Mommy?”

I turned.

The hallway was empty.

When I looked back, the mirror reflected only the bathroom.

I stood there until the sunlight moved across the floor.

Then I heard a clock ticking.

Not from the kitchen.

Not from the bedroom.

From somewhere inside my chest.

And with every measured movement, I remembered another hour.

Another room.

Another face.

Another life.

Somewhere among them, I remembered standing beside a hospital bed, watching a woman with silver hair struggle to breathe. Her mechanical hand lay motionless against the sheets. A little girl stood beside me, holding a bowl of oranges.

The woman opened her eyes.

She looked directly at me.

And with the last of her strength, she whispered something I had been trying to remember since Thursday.

I leaned closer.

The clock inside my chest missed a beat.

Then another.

And finally, I heard her.

“You were supposed to be the one who forgot.”

Until next Tuesday, when another splinter finds its way to the surface.

Dispatches from the Splinters of My Mind — Entry 38

Marquis Brewer had been waiting for the number forty-seven for nearly twenty minutes when the old man informed him that the bus was nineteen years late.

He said it casually, as though discussing the weather or the disappointing quality of modern coffee, and Marquis might have laughed if the man hadn’t been looking at him with the peculiar familiarity of someone recognizing an old debt.

“Nineteen years?”

“Give or take.”

“Then why the hell is there still a bus stop?”

The old man adjusted his hat, a weathered gray fedora that had probably been fashionable when people still dressed properly to visit the grocery store. His beard was silver, his coat considerably older than it appeared, and his hands rested comfortably atop the curved handle of a wooden walking cane.

“Son, this city is full of things nobody bothered to take down after they stopped being useful.”

Marquis looked toward the shuttered storefronts across the street.

He couldn’t argue with that.

The neighborhood had the exhausted appearance of somewhere that had once mattered. Brick buildings stood shoulder to shoulder beneath a sky the color of dirty dishwater, their upper windows reflecting the occasional passing cloud while the ground floors surrendered to plywood, rusted security grates, and advertisements for businesses that no longer existed. A pawnshop occupied the corner, its faded lettering promising CASH FOR GOLD beneath a sign announcing it was CLOSED. Across the intersection, a streetlamp threw a weak amber circle onto wet pavement, illuminating autumn leaves that had collected along the curb like forgotten correspondence.

Rain had stopped sometime before midnight, leaving behind the smell of damp concrete, rotting leaves, and the metallic breath of a city cooling beneath its own weight. Somewhere beyond the buildings, a siren rose and fell, followed by the distant rumble of freight moving through the industrial district.

Marquis shifted on the wooden bench.

The shelter’s glass panels were scratched and clouded with years of neglect. Behind him, an old transit map displayed a complicated arrangement of colored lines, most of which had been crossed out or obscured by peeling notices. Above it, a small municipal sign read:

SERVICE DISCONTINUED.

He had noticed it when he arrived.

He had chosen not to believe it.

That, he supposed, was becoming something of a habit.

“How long you been sitting here?” Marquis asked.

The old man considered the question with unnecessary seriousness.

“Tonight?”

Marquis turned toward him.

“There’s another answer?”

“Usually is.”

The old man smiled, revealing a narrow gap between his front teeth. Something about the expression unsettled Marquis, although he couldn’t have explained why. It reminded him of somebody, perhaps an uncle or one of the older men who had occupied his childhood, sitting on porches and dispensing opinions nobody had requested.

“Name’s Jerrod,” the old man said.

“Marquis.”

“That’s a fine name.”

“My mother thought so.”

“Smart woman.”

“You don’t know my mother.”

Jerrod shrugged.

“Didn’t say I did.”

Marquis looked away.

He wasn’t in the mood for riddles.

He had spent the better part of six hours walking through neighborhoods he barely recognized, passing buildings that had changed ownership, streets that had acquired new names, and vacant lots where houses once stood. His shoes were damp, his stomach empty, and the cold had worked its way through his coat until his shoulders ached from holding themselves tight.

He had intended to go home.

That was the ridiculous part.

He knew the address.

Could have recited it backward if someone had offered him enough money.

He knew the cracked concrete steps, the loose porch railing, the narrow hallway that smelled of furniture polish and old cooking grease. He knew which floorboard complained outside the kitchen and how the front door required a firm lift before the lock would turn.

He knew the house better than he knew most people.

But somewhere between leaving his apartment and arriving at the bus shelter, he had begun wondering whether knowing a place was the same thing as belonging there.

The thought irritated him.

He had no patience for philosophical nonsense, particularly his own.

Jerrod tapped his cane against the pavement.

“You waiting on somebody?”

“Bus.”

“Already established that ain’t happening.”

“Then I guess I’m waiting on a miracle.”

“Those don’t usually run on a schedule.”

Marquis almost smiled.

Almost.

He reached into his coat pocket and removed a folded bus ticket. The paper had softened from repeated handling, its corners worn and slightly curled. He flattened it against his knee.

ROUTE 47 — OCTOBER 28, 2024.

Two years old.

He had bought it on a cold afternoon when the sky looked remarkably similar to tonight’s, intending to leave the city before sunset. He had packed one suitcase, withdrawn enough money to last several weeks, and stood at a terminal watching passengers board a bus headed west.

Then his phone rang.

He remembered the conversation.

Or enough of it.

Someone had needed him.

Someone always needed him.

By the time he finished talking, the bus had gone.

He had kept the ticket.

At first, because he intended to exchange it.

Later, because throwing it away felt like admitting something.

Jerrod leaned slightly toward him.

“That ticket looks like it’s been through a war.”

“Something like that.”

“Still good?”

“Probably not.”

“Then why you carrying it?”

Marquis folded the paper.

“Because I paid for it.”

Jerrod laughed, a low, gravelly sound that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside his chest.

“Well, hell. By that reasoning, I ought to still be driving a ’68 Buick.”

Marquis glanced at him.

“What happened to it?”

“Transmission went bad.”

“You get it fixed?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“Cost more than the car was worth.”

Jerrod settled back against the shelter wall.

“Sometimes you got to know when something’s finished.”

Marquis stared at the ticket.

He disliked how easily the conversation had found its way into territory he had spent the evening avoiding.

The trouble had begun shortly after dinner.

Not with shouting.

That came later.

It began with an ordinary question delivered in an ordinary voice across an ordinary kitchen table.

What are you going to do?

Marquis had heard variations of that question for most of his adult life.

What was he going to do about his job?

His apartment?

His future?

His responsibilities?

His tendency to disappear into himself whenever life became complicated?

The questions weren’t unreasonable.

That made them worse.

He had answers, or at least explanations that sounded respectable when spoken with sufficient confidence. He worked. Paid his bills. Helped when he could. Called when he remembered. He wasn’t a criminal, a drunk, or some irresponsible fool waiting for the world to rescue him.

But none of those explanations addressed the thing nobody seemed willing to discuss.

He was tired.

Not the kind of tired that sleep corrected.

He was tired of entering rooms where everyone already knew who he was supposed to be. Tired of conversations that began with concern and ended with instructions. Tired of feeling that every decision he made required approval from people who would never have to live with its consequences.

And he was particularly tired of being reminded that he had choices by people who became offended whenever he exercised them.

He had said something about leaving.

Someone had laughed.

Not cruelly.

Almost affectionately.

You always say that.

He remembered the silence afterward.

Then the anger.

Then the door closing behind him.

He hadn’t intended to walk all night.

He simply hadn’t known where else to go.

“You look like somebody trying to remember where he parked his car,” Jerrod observed.

“Don’t have a car.”

“Well, that explains why you ain’t found it.”

Marquis laughed despite himself.

The old man smiled.

“There he is.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Jerrod looked toward the street.

For several minutes, they sat without speaking.

A loose piece of metal somewhere above the shelter clicked whenever the wind shifted. Water dripped from a damaged gutter, striking the pavement with the patient regularity of a clock nobody had bothered to wind. Across the street, a light appeared in an upstairs apartment window, illuminating the silhouette of someone moving behind a curtain.

Marquis wondered what sort of life existed inside that room.

Whether the person was happy.

Whether they were waiting for someone.

Whether they had ever considered leaving and discovered, as he had, that departure required considerably more than putting distance between yourself and an address.

“You ever leave somewhere you thought you’d spend your whole life?” he asked.

Jerrod rested both hands on his cane.

“Several times.”

“Regret it?”

“Some of it.”

“Which parts?”

“The leaving. The staying. Depends on the day.”

Marquis shook his head.

“You’re not much help.”

“Didn’t know I was being interviewed.”

The older man reached into his coat pocket and produced a small paper bag. He opened it, examined the contents, and offered it to Marquis.

“Peanuts?”

“No, thanks.”

“Suit yourself.”

Jerrod ate a handful.

Marquis watched him.

There was something oddly comforting about the man’s indifference. Jerrod didn’t seem particularly interested in fixing him, correcting him, or extracting some confession that would allow him to deliver a rehearsed piece of wisdom. He appeared content to sit beneath a broken transit sign eating peanuts while the rest of the city slept.

It was an admirable talent.

Marquis wished he possessed it.

“My father used to eat those,” he said.

“Peanuts?”

“Out of a paper bag. Always kept some in his coat.”

“Smart man.”

“You say that about everybody?”

“Only people who agree with me.”

Marquis smiled.

His father had died when he was seventeen. There were photographs, a handful of stories, and the stubborn fragments of memory that survived despite the years. He remembered large hands, a particular way of clearing his throat, and the smell of tobacco clinging to a wool coat.

There were entire branches of his family he knew almost nothing about.

Names mentioned once during holidays.

Arguments that stopped when children entered the room.

People who had disappeared from conversations long before they disappeared from photographs.

He had stopped asking questions years ago.

Adults possessed an extraordinary talent for making curiosity feel like disrespect.

Jerrod brushed salt from his fingers.

“Something funny?”

“No. Just remembering.”

“That can be dangerous.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Memory’s a crooked bookkeeper. Always charging interest on things you thought were paid off.”

Marquis turned toward him.

For a moment, he had the peculiar sensation of hearing a familiar voice through a closed door.

He studied Jerrod’s face.

The heavy brows.

The deep lines around his mouth.

The narrow gap between his teeth.

Something tugged at the edge of recognition.

“Have we met before?”

Jerrod considered him.

“Don’t believe so.”

“You sure?”

“At my age? Hell, I’m barely sure what I had for breakfast.”

Marquis laughed.

Jerrod joined him.

For a brief moment, their laughter sounded remarkably alike.

Neither noticed.

A gust of wind pushed dead leaves beneath the bench.

Marquis looked toward the transit map.

“Why are you here?”

Jerrod followed his gaze.

“Bus stop.”

“Yeah, I figured that part out.”

“Then you’re making progress.”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

Marquis leaned forward.

“The buses don’t run here anymore. You know that. You’ve probably known it longer than anybody. So what are you waiting for?”

Jerrod stopped smiling.

He studied Marquis for several seconds, his expression neither mysterious nor particularly solemn. It was the look of a man considering whether an honest answer would be worth the trouble of explaining.

Finally, he said, “You.”

Marquis stared at him.

“Me?”

“You’re the one sitting here, ain’t you?”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Wasn’t aware there was a test.”

“How’d you know I’d be here?”

Jerrod sighed.

“Son, I didn’t.”

He shifted his cane and looked toward the deserted intersection.

“I come down here sometimes. Sit a while. Remember things. Tonight you happened along, looking like somebody had stolen your last good reason to get out of bed. Figured I’d keep you company.”

Marquis considered that.

It was an ordinary explanation.

Perfectly reasonable.

Yet something about it left him strangely dissatisfied.

“Why this stop?”

Jerrod looked at the weathered route map.

“Used to be a good place to meet people.”

“Before they shut it down?”

“Long before.”

He smiled faintly.

“Met a woman here once. Prettiest thing I’d ever seen. Had a red coat and an attitude that could peel paint off a battleship.”

“What happened?”

“Life.”

“That’s all?”

“Usually is.”

Marquis waited.

Jerrod offered nothing more.

Across the street, the upstairs light went out.

The neighborhood settled deeper into darkness.

Marquis unfolded the old ticket again.

He thought about the suitcase he’d packed two years earlier. The money he’d saved. The destination he’d chosen because he knew absolutely nobody there.

He had imagined that leaving would transform him.

That somewhere beyond the city limits, he would become decisive, confident, unburdened by the expectations of people who had known him since childhood.

But he understood now that he would have carried himself along.

The uncertainty.

The anger.

The habit of explaining decisions before making them.

A different city wouldn’t automatically change any of that.

Neither would going home.

“Been going to the same house my whole life,” he said quietly.

Jerrod nodded.

“That so?”

“Different addresses over the years, but it always feels like the same house.”

“How’s that?”

“Same conversations. Same arguments. Same people telling me what I ought to do.”

“Maybe they’re worried.”

“They are.”

“Maybe they love you.”

“They do.”

“Maybe they’re right about some things.”

Marquis looked at him sharply.

“Whose side are you on?”

Jerrod raised an eyebrow.

“Didn’t know we were choosing teams.”

Marquis exhaled.

The old man continued.

“People can love you and still be wrong about what you need. You can love them and still be wrong about what they owe you. Ain’t much comfort in that, but there it is.”

Marquis stared toward the empty street.

He had wanted someone to tell him he was justified.

Someone to confirm that he had been misunderstood, mistreated, and unfairly burdened.

Jerrod refused to give him that satisfaction.

The irritating old bastard.

“You know,” Marquis said, “you’re not nearly as wise as you think you are.”

Jerrod chuckled.

“Never claimed to be wise. Just old. There’s a difference.”

For a while, neither spoke.

Then Jerrod pointed toward the ticket.

“You planning on using that?”

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Expired.”

“Then why you keep checking it?”

Marquis looked down.

He had no answer.

The ticket had become a peculiar sort of permission slip, proof that once upon a time he had intended to do something different. As long as he carried it, he could tell himself the possibility remained. He could postpone the decision while preserving the illusion that he had already made it.

He had been waiting for a bus that no longer ran.

And somewhere along the way, he had mistaken waiting for movement.

Marquis folded the ticket carefully.

Then placed it in his pocket.

Not because he intended to use it.

Because he wasn’t ready to throw it away.

There was a difference.

Jerrod watched him rise.

“Heading out?”

“Think so.”

“Know where you’re going?”

Marquis looked toward the intersection.

One direction led toward the familiar house, the old arguments, and the people who loved him imperfectly. Another led toward the commercial district, where a twenty-four-hour diner still served coffee and breakfast to people whose nights had gone badly.

Beyond that, the city opened into streets he had never walked.

He could return home tomorrow.

He could call first.

He could apologize for the things he had said without surrendering the things he believed.

Or he could discover that the conversation waiting for him was one he no longer needed to have.

For once, he didn’t feel compelled to decide everything immediately.

“Not yet.”

Jerrod nodded.

“Good enough.”

Marquis stepped beyond the shelter.

The night air felt colder without its protection. He turned up his collar and looked back at the older man.

“You gonna be all right out here?”

Jerrod appeared offended.

“Been taking care of myself since before your daddy learned how to tie his shoes.”

Marquis laughed.

“All right, old man.”

“Watch who you’re calling old.”

“You got to admit you’re getting up there.”

“Boy, I’ve forgotten more birthdays than you’ve had.”

Marquis shook his head.

Then he hesitated.

“Jerrod?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

The older man waved a dismissive hand.

“Go on. Before I start charging you for conversation.”

Marquis walked toward the intersection.

At the corner, he stopped and looked back.

Jerrod remained seated beneath the shelter, his cane resting between his knees, the weak amber light outlining his hat and shoulders. Behind him, the scratched glass reflected the empty bench, the faded transit map, and the darkened storefronts across the street.

For an instant, Marquis thought he saw someone standing beside the old man.

A figure in a long coat.

Perhaps a trick of the light.

Perhaps another reflection.

He blinked.

There was nobody there.

Jerrod raised one hand.

Marquis returned the gesture.

Then he turned the corner.

He did not walk toward home.

He did not walk toward the bus terminal.

He walked toward a street he had never taken before, carrying an expired ticket and the uncomfortable understanding that he would eventually have to decide what came next.

For tonight, that was enough.

Behind him, the old neighborhood settled into its familiar silence.

Jerrod remained beneath the shelter.

He reached into his coat pocket, removed the paper bag of peanuts, and discovered it was empty.

“Well, hell.”

He crumpled the bag and tucked it away.

For several minutes, he watched the intersection where Marquis had disappeared.

There had been something familiar about the young man.

Not his face, exactly.

Something in the way he listened.

The way he held his shoulders when irritated.

The peculiar habit of pressing his thumb against the edge of his forefinger while thinking.

Jerrod had seen that gesture before.

A long time ago.

He tried to remember where.

The memory refused to cooperate.

He sighed.

“Getting old is a hell of a thing.”

Across the street, the pawnshop sign flickered once.

Then went dark.

Jerrod stood slowly, leaning on his cane until his knees agreed to support him. He adjusted his hat, buttoned his coat, and looked toward the faded transit map.

Nineteen years.

He could remember when the forty-seven ran every twenty minutes.

Remembered the drivers.

The passengers.

The arguments over exact change.

The woman in the red coat who had once stood beneath this very shelter, laughing at something he’d said.

He could almost hear her.

Almost.

Jerrod turned toward the street.

Then stopped.

Somewhere beyond the intersection, an engine rumbled.

Low.

Heavy.

Familiar.

The sound grew closer, accompanied by the faint metallic squeal of brakes and the soft hiss of compressed air.

Jerrod looked down the empty road.

A smile slowly crossed his face.

“Well,” he murmured, “would you look at that.”

The streetlamp flickered.

The engine idled.

And somewhere in the darkness, a bus door folded open.

Dispatches from the Splinters of My Mind — Entry 37

The first thing Evelyn Price did after checking into Room 214 was take off her wedding ring.

Not because she was leaving her husband. Harold had been dead for eleven years, and whatever grievances they had accumulated during thirty-eight years of marriage had long since settled into the peculiar tenderness of remembering someone who could no longer argue with you. She removed the ring because her finger had begun to ache, and because, for the first time in longer than she cared to calculate, she could take something off without somebody asking why.

She placed it carefully inside the little leather compartment of her suitcase, alongside a photograph of her parents, two spare keys, and a folded piece of paper containing three telephone numbers she had absolutely no intention of calling.

Then she poured herself a glass of sparkling wine.

At six forty-three in the morning.

Evelyn considered this for a moment, studying the pale gold liquid through the cheap motel glass. She had never been much of a drinker, and the hour was certainly inappropriate by the standards of the respectable woman she had spent sixty-three years becoming. But respectability, she had recently concluded, was an exhausting occupation with terrible benefits and absolutely no retirement plan.

“Well,” she said to the empty room, “here’s to unemployment.”

She took a sip.

Made a face.

“Lord, that’s awful.”

She drank some more.

Outside the window, the highway stretched beneath a thin veil of morning mist. An old sedan sat crookedly in the parking lot, its windows fogged from the overnight rain. Beyond it, a weathered motel sign offered a piece of roadside wisdom that appeared to have been composed by someone with more enthusiasm than editorial supervision.

SOME NEW ROADS ALWAYS LEAD SOMEWHERE GOOD.

Evelyn read it twice.

“Somebody ought to tell that to the people who built Interstate 80.”

She laughed.

The sound startled her.

Not because she hadn’t laughed recently. She laughed often enough, usually at other people’s jokes, occasionally at her grandchildren’s antics, and sometimes at the sheer audacity of people who believed their emergencies should automatically become hers. But this laughter belonged entirely to her. There was nobody present to appreciate it, nobody to encourage it, nobody whose feelings might be injured by its timing.

It was a strange thing, discovering how much of your own behavior had become a performance for an audience you never remembered inviting.

She settled onto the edge of the bed, crossing one leg over the other. The mattress complained beneath her weight. The wallpaper had surrendered to age in several places, exposing pale seams where the adhesive had lost its ambition. A rotary telephone occupied the scratched dresser beside a television old enough to remember when television had been worth watching. The room smelled faintly of furniture polish, stale carpeting, and whatever industrial cleaning solution management considered sufficient to erase the evidence of previous occupants.

It was not beautiful.

Evelyn found that reassuring.

Beautiful places generally came with expectations.

This room asked nothing beyond payment.

She had driven four hundred and seventeen miles to get here.

Not because she had chosen the motel specifically. She had simply grown tired of driving, noticed the sign, and pulled off the highway. The desk clerk, a young man with a magnificent collection of facial piercings and the expression of someone reconsidering several important life decisions, had asked whether she was traveling for business or pleasure.

Evelyn had considered the question.

“I don’t know yet.”

He had looked at her for a moment.

Then handed her the key.

“Room 214. Ice machine’s broken.”

“Anything else?”

“Coffee’s terrible.”

“Sounds like home.”

He hadn’t laughed.

She liked him anyway.

Now, sitting in the soft gray light of morning, Evelyn wondered whether anyone had discovered she was gone.

Of course they had.

Her phone had been vibrating inside her handbag since shortly after midnight. By the time she reached the motel, there were fourteen missed calls, twenty-three messages, and one voicemail from her youngest daughter that began with the words, Mother, this is ridiculous.

Evelyn had listened to that much before deleting it.

Not because her daughter was wrong.

There was something ridiculous about a sixty-three-year-old woman driving across state lines without telling anyone where she was going.

There was also something ridiculous about the fact that this was the first time in her adult life she had done so.

She had spent thirty-eight years married to a man she loved, raised three children, cared for her mother through the long indignities of dementia, helped Harold through the illness that eventually took him, and somehow become the unofficial administrator of a family whose members possessed functioning telephones, automobiles, bank accounts, and, as far as she could determine, perfectly adequate brains.

Yet every inconvenience found its way to her doorstep.

Could she pick up the children?

Could she watch the dog?

Could she make the appointment?

Could she bring something to dinner?

Could she call the insurance company?

Could she remember where somebody had put something that she had never seen in the first place?

Evelyn had become the keeper of everybody else’s missing things.

Keys.

Documents.

Birthdays.

Medication schedules.

Promises.

Apologies.

And somewhere between the school pickups and funeral arrangements, between casseroles and hospital waiting rooms, between being a wife and becoming a widow, she had misplaced herself.

The discovery had not arrived dramatically.

There had been no breakdown, no shouting match, no great declaration delivered across a dining room table.

It had happened on a Tuesday afternoon while she was standing in a grocery store holding two brands of peanut butter.

She had reached automatically for the brand Harold preferred.

Then stopped.

Harold had been dead eleven years.

Her children had their own homes.

Nobody living beneath her roof cared which peanut butter she bought.

Yet she stood there, a grown woman with silver beginning to thread through her hair, unable to remember which brand she actually liked.

She had stared at those jars for nearly five minutes.

Then put them both back.

The following morning, she bought a road atlas.

An actual paper atlas, with folded maps and pages large enough to spread across the kitchen table. Her granddaughter had laughed when she saw it.

“Grandma, you know your phone does that, right?”

“I know.”

“Then why’d you buy it?”

Evelyn had considered explaining that she wanted to see the roads without a little blue line telling her which one she was supposed to take.

Instead, she said, “Because I wanted one.”

Her granddaughter had looked genuinely confused.

Evelyn had found that troubling.

Over the following three weeks, she made preparations.

Nothing dramatic.

She paid her bills. Filled her prescriptions. Arranged for the neighbor to collect her mail. Left instructions for watering the plants, although she suspected the plants would survive perfectly well without supervision. She cleaned the refrigerator, changed the sheets, and placed a note on the kitchen counter.

I’m taking a trip. I’m safe. I’ll call when I’m ready.

She had considered adding an apology.

Then decided against it.

That had been the hardest part.

Not leaving.

Not driving through unfamiliar towns after dark.

Not checking into a motel alone.

Leaving without apologizing for it.

Evelyn finished her drink and set the glass beside the bed.

The telephone rang.

She looked at it.

The sound was surprisingly aggressive in the quiet room, a mechanical insistence that seemed entirely inappropriate for an object sitting on a scratched wooden dresser.

It rang again.

And again.

She wondered whether her family had somehow located her.

Probably.

Her eldest son had always been particularly talented at finding information nobody wanted him to have. He worked in information technology, which Evelyn privately suspected was a respectable way of saying he spent his days interfering with perfectly functional things until they stopped working.

The telephone continued ringing.

She rose, crossed the room, and lifted the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Mrs. Price?”

“Speaking.”

“This is Daniel at the front desk.”

“Good morning, Daniel.”

There was a pause.

“Did you enjoy your stay?”

Evelyn looked toward the bed.

The open suitcase.

The untouched television.

The curtains stirring gently in the air from the ancient heating unit.

“I believe I’m still enjoying it.”

Another pause.

“Right. Well, checkout’s at eleven.”

“What time is it?”

“Seven twenty.”

“Then we’ve got plenty of time.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She could hear him shifting papers.

“Housekeeping usually starts around nine.”

“That’s lovely.”

“Would you like me to put you down for another night?”

Evelyn looked toward the highway.

She hadn’t decided.

For most of her life, decisions had arrived already burdened with consequences. Every choice required consideration of how it might affect someone else, whether it would inconvenience them, whether they would approve, whether they would understand.

She had become so accustomed to negotiating with absent people that even now, standing alone in a motel room hundreds of miles from home, she could almost hear their objections.

Another night?

What for?

You can’t just disappear.

What about us?

Evelyn closed her eyes.

There was something uncomfortable beneath her newfound freedom.

Guilt.

Not the theatrical kind people enjoyed discussing over coffee. Something older and more stubborn. The kind that settled into the bones after decades of believing love required constant availability.

She knew her absence would inconvenience people.

She also knew some of them genuinely needed her.

Her youngest daughter was struggling through a difficult divorce. Her middle son had recently lost his job. Her eldest was trying to raise two children while maintaining a marriage that seemed to require more effort than either participant had anticipated.

These were not imaginary problems.

They were real.

And Evelyn loved them.

That was what made leaving difficult.

It would have been easier if they were cruel.

Easier if they were selfish beyond redemption.

Easier if she could point to some unforgivable betrayal and declare herself justified.

But they were ordinary people doing their best, occasionally failing, occasionally taking more than they realized, and loving her in ways that had gradually become indistinguishable from needing her.

She had helped create that arrangement.

That was another truth she couldn’t ignore.

She had taught them that she would always be there.

Then grown resentful when they believed her.

“Mrs. Price?”

Daniel’s voice brought her back.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Another night?”

Evelyn looked at the suitcase.

The folded clothes.

The notebook.

The road atlas resting on the passenger seat of her car.

“Make it two.”

“Two nights?”

“Unless you’ve got somewhere better I ought to be.”

He laughed.

It was a small, uncertain sound.

“No, ma’am.”

“Good. Neither do I.”

She replaced the receiver.

For a moment, she stood in the middle of the room, surprised by how little had happened.

No thunder.

No collapsing walls.

No divine announcement that she had violated some sacred obligation.

The world continued.

Somewhere outside, a truck shifted gears.

The heating unit rattled.

A bird landed on the windowsill, considered the accommodations, and departed.

Evelyn returned to the bed.

She opened her notebook.

On the first page, she had written a list of places she wanted to visit.

The ocean.

The mountains.

A small town in Vermont where the leaves supposedly turned colors so beautiful they looked artificial.

A jazz club in New Orleans.

A bookstore in Portland.

The Grand Canyon.

She had written the list years earlier, after Harold died, when people kept telling her she needed to start living again.

She had nodded politely.

Then continued doing exactly what she had always done.

Now she examined the list with mild irritation.

“Well, hell. I could’ve been halfway through this thing by now.”

She turned the page.

At the top, she wrote:

Things I Want.

Then stopped.

The pen hovered above the paper.

She could list what she wanted for her children.

For her grandchildren.

For the people she loved.

She could fill pages with hopes and prayers for everyone whose life touched hers.

But what did she want?

Not what she was supposed to want.

Not what would make her appear generous or respectable.

Not what she could explain without feeling selfish.

What did Evelyn Price want?

She stared at the empty page.

The question was embarrassingly difficult.

Eventually, she wrote:

Pancakes.

She looked at the word.

Then added:

With strawberries.

After another moment:

And bacon.

She laughed.

“Well, look at that. We’re making progress.”

Her phone began vibrating again.

She took it from her handbag.

Her youngest daughter’s name appeared on the screen.

Evelyn watched it ring.

She could answer.

She could explain everything.

She could spend the next twenty minutes reassuring someone that she was safe, apologizing for causing worry, and listening to a detailed account of why her decision had been irresponsible.

Or she could let it ring.

She chose a third option.

She answered.

“Good morning, baby.”

“Mother! Where are you?”

“At a motel.”

“A motel? What motel? What are you doing?”

“Having a little adventure.”

“Mom, this isn’t funny.”

“I wasn’t joking.”

There was silence.

Then her daughter sighed.

“Are you okay?”

Evelyn looked around the room.

At the shabby furniture.

The old television.

The morning light gathering against the curtains.

She considered the question carefully.

“I think I might be.”

Another silence.

“Mom, we were worried.”

“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry I frightened you.”

“Then come home.”

Evelyn closed her eyes.

There it was.

The familiar assumption.

Concern had become instruction.

She understood why. Her departure was unusual, and she had given them little information. They were entitled to worry.

But worry did not automatically grant authority.

“I’ll be home when I’m ready.”

“Mom—”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, but—”

“No buts, sweetheart. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She ended the conversation before either of them could say something they might regret.

Then she sat very still.

Her hands were trembling.

She hadn’t expected that.

For a moment, she wondered whether she had been unnecessarily harsh. Her daughter had sounded genuinely frightened, and Evelyn knew she could have handled the situation differently.

Perhaps she should have called before leaving.

Perhaps she should have explained.

Perhaps—

“No.”

The word escaped before she realized she had spoken.

She wasn’t going to spend the morning prosecuting herself for failing to execute a perfectly reasonable decision in a perfectly reasonable manner.

She had made a choice.

It was imperfect.

So was she.

That would have to be enough.

At nine seventeen, someone knocked on the door.

“Housekeeping!”

Evelyn glanced toward the suitcase.

The bedspread.

The empty glass.

The notebook lying open beside her.

For a moment, she considered tidying the room.

Old habits.

She had spent decades making things presentable before allowing anyone to see them. Straightening pillows. Clearing counters. Hiding evidence of ordinary living beneath the illusion of effortless order.

Instead, she remained seated.

“Not yet, sweetheart.”

“Okay, ma’am!”

Footsteps retreated along the walkway.

Evelyn smiled.

She had no idea where she would be next week.

She might visit the mountains.

She might drive south.

She might discover that the ocean looked nothing like the photographs.

She might return home after two days and decide the entire adventure had been a terrible mistake.

That possibility amused her.

After all, she had made plenty of mistakes while doing what everyone expected.

It seemed only fair to make a few while doing what she wanted.

She reached for her glass.

Empty.

She considered pouring another.

Then remembered the pancakes.

Evelyn rose, picked up her handbag, and slipped the motel key into her pocket.

At the door, she paused.

For a moment, she looked back at the room.

The suitcase remained open.

The bed was unmade.

The telephone sat silently on the dresser.

Nothing had been put away.

Nothing had been settled.

For once, she found no reason to correct any of it.

She stepped outside and pulled the door closed behind her.

The morning smelled of wet asphalt, gasoline, and distant rain. Somewhere beyond the parking lot, traffic moved steadily along the highway, carrying strangers toward obligations, destinations, and lives she would never know.

Evelyn stood beneath the motel awning and studied the sign.

SOME NEW ROADS ALWAYS LEAD SOMEWHERE GOOD.

“Well,” she murmured, “we’ll see about that.”

She walked toward her car.

Halfway across the parking lot, she stopped.

Turned around.

Looked back at Room 214.

Then she laughed.

Not because she had figured anything out.

Not because she had become someone new.

Not because freedom had suddenly made the world less complicated.

She laughed because she had forgotten to ask Daniel where she could get pancakes.

And for the first time in decades, having absolutely no idea where she was going next seemed like a perfectly reasonable way to begin the day.

Behind her, Room 214 waited to be cleaned.

Evelyn had other plans.