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The Hardest Four Letters I Ever Had to Say

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What gives you direction in life?

I was taking night courses working on my degree back when that was a thing when I exploded on the instructor during a lecture. She made a comment about the intent of man during times of war. Looking back, I realize it was merely a generalization, a device I’ve had on numerous occasions then and now. However, her words were like white-hot searing to my depths that night. This incident may have been the beginning of my psychosis.

My emotional wounds of war were still fresh, and I overreacted. The next morning, I was summoned to my Commander to answer for my conduct. Though filled with shame, I had nothing to say in my defense. I stood firm and took the verbal assault I had coming until my entire being felt as hollow as my soul. Then the oddest thing occurred.

They sent me to get help…

On this day, I heard the letters for the first time. Nonsense, rubbish, bullocks, “Get the F*@K outta here, wit dat!” And other such phrases were my expression. Knowing me, I probably said them and more. Yet, the counselor remained steady and explained my plight.

I felt better when leaving their office. Better than I had in a very long time.

I never saw them again…

Decades later, I’m destroyed by these four letters, consumed by them. It was the first time I had the courage to utter them without disdain. Yet, having applied to me, I bore the weight of their shame.

P

T

S

D

Everyone involved said its okay, but their expressions said otherwise. Their whispers were louder than an announcement over speakers. The Memoirs of Madness had been started for years, and now I know the name of my affliction provided the memoirs’ direction. Writing the memoirs provides my direction. They provide a smidgen of peace.

Things are better now, I can say those letters. I have accepted, and with understanding, I can move forward.

~thank you for reading~

15 thoughts on “The Hardest Four Letters I Ever Had to Say”

  1. not easy at all as there is no off and on switch so I’m sure you have to constantly take everyone feelings into consideration thank goodness for self expression and rants Keep Penning Poet

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  3. We send people to war and they see atrocious things, we ask them to do atrocious things and then expect them to slide seamlessly back into society. My brother had a few…incidents when he came home. I am glad you found an outlet for your experiences.

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  5. Pingback: The Hardest Four Letters I Ever Had to Say – Créateur

  7. I cannot even think how difficult would it have been for you to go through this. PTSD isn’t like everyday affair which can be ignored or shrugged off. I truly hope you find peace and harmony. May you rise from the ashes!

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    1. Thank you, good days, bad days, and all that. Some days its like driving now a street and you hit a pothole. BAM jars you to the core. The craziest things is we have days like that.

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