FICTION – WDYS #281
Top 5 Ways to Ask a Girl Out: Rule #1
Don’t mention the creepy gnome.
I stood there, just… staring at the thing. A tiny metal gnome? Elf? Goblin? Whatever it was, it was perched on her balcony railing like it owned the place.
Did she put it there? She had to have, right? It’s not like little brass weirdos just wander onto balconies. But still—it felt like it was watching me. Judging me.
I thought about asking her, but no. That would blow up the whole operation. Can’t have her thinking I’m the kind of guy who interrogates her about lawn ornament choices. No, I’m the helpful friend. The guy offering to fix her absolute trainwreck of a car—for free. Out of kindness. Generosity. Totally not because I’m hopelessly into her and grasping at any excuse to spend time together.
God, I’m that guy. The one who offers free labor in the desperate hope of being seen as dateable. I’m one creepy figurine comment away from ruining it all. So I shut up, smile, and pretend like helping her isn’t the highlight of my entire month.
She leaned out the front door, holding two mugs. “Coffee? Or, uh… whatever this is. I might’ve forgotten how coffee works halfway through.”
“Perfect,” I said, taking one. I didn’t even like coffee, but it felt like the right thing to say. Plus, I wasn’t about to reject something she handed me with a smile that made my brain shut down like an overheating laptop.
I took a sip. It was… alarming. Bitter, burnt, and somehow both too hot and lukewarm at the same time.
“Be honest,” she said, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s… ambitious,” I offered.
She laughed. Progress.
We stood in silence for a second, both sipping this mysterious bean liquid and pretending it wasn’t a full-on sensory attack. I glanced back at the gnome. It hadn’t moved. Still smug.
“That little guy yours?” I asked, before my brain could stop my mouth.
Why? Why did I do that?
She looked over and grinned. “Oh! Yeah. Found him at a flea market. He looked like he knew secrets, you know? Like he’s seen some things.”
I nodded. “Yeah, like he knows exactly when you’re lying about liking the coffee.”
She snorted, almost spilling hers. “You’re terrible.”
Yes. Yes, I am. But also? Still here. Not banned. Not rejected. Maybe even kind of funny.
The gnome, I swear, winked at me.
Or maybe the coffee was already hitting my brain weird.
Memoirs of Madness 